I
had secured a spot on a program that I wanted to do for the past three years; I
and my friend, Dayo, thought that it was worth celebrating so we decided to
have lunch-cum-going party for me at a popular 'swaggerlicious' eatery in my estate
– what's with the word 'swagger'? It’s in songs, books, drinks and now it is
associated with food? Anyway, I digress.
When we walked into the restaurant,
we noticed two men sitting at the opposite door. What as interesting was that
they were not eating...Rather than plates of this place's famous moin-moin
or salad, they had about two dozen Word for Today daily devotionals,
three black leather-bound bibles, two writing pads and a few envelopes spread
out on their table. Again, I digress.
Dayo and I placed our orders, and he
launched into a 'women and their wahala' discussion. I started to protest when
he directed my attention to a woman who was sitting a little further away. The
lady was in an undersized pair of three-quarter jeans from which half of her
butt cheeks hung. More so, you could see a little too much of her undersized
underwear. From my table I could see that she had a tray filled with fried
rice, jollof rice, grilled fish, peppered chicken, ice-cream, moin-moin,
salad, plantain and even popcorn! I'm not kidding. I still didn't want to
concede defeat to Dayo and so I just laughed it off and said “pardon the old
woman. If I was surrounded by such a thanksgiving feast, the only form of
elasticity I'd be worried about would be my intestines not my pants.”
I argued with Dayo that not all women
dressed like that and he told me to go ahead and survey the whole room. While
we waited for our food, we decided to do a quick hunt for more exposed butts
around the restaurants, and can you believe it! Nearly all the women that wore
trousers had some form of butt exposure, ranging from the glaring
'in-your-face' form to the subtle sneak-peekish kind that's not full exposure
but just enough.
The one question on my mind was “how
is it possible to feel a thing when my ass is out in the open? Not even the
blast of the air conditioning up my butt?”
I thought of writing “please pull
your pants up” on serviette sheets and distributing them around the room while
we waited for our food, but Dayo said he wouldn't help me interpret the
multiple-language insults I was sure to receive so I gave up the idea
“These
butt cracks are everywhere!” exclaimed
Dayo
“Eateries,
class, buses, bikes and even in church!” then he turned to me and said “let’s
go man.”
We had to go and eat in the car
since my companion complained of having a shrink-off (the opposite of hard-on)
from all the exposed butts in the room, but that wasn't before we had brushed
off the two preachers at the entrance; who offered us salvation in return for
our time and a little financial contribution to the work of God.
Ladies, exposed butts (at least in
public) are not attractive to guys and even if your red lace G-string looks
really sexy, please reserve the view for the guy (or guys, whatever your case
may be) in your life. Men have already patented the sagging craze; please women
pull your pants up! And if you won't, then at least get yourselves a pair of
boxer shorts
.
an edited excerpt from Woomie
Kinde's Indecent Exposure
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